The Eddy hereby presents its annual list of why we hated 2017.
- Donald Trump was inaugurated.The year started terribly. King of the Racist Oompa Loompas[1] Donald Trump became President of the United States Donald Trump, marking it the worst glo-up of all time. The US managed to go from benevolent, smiling-yet-stern, general-good-guy, you’d-invite-him-to-your-BBQ Barack Obama to a lightly dusted Cheeto puff from the heart of white-Oklahoma whose digestive system resembles that of a jellyfish.[2] The Women’s March (and the invention of pussy hats) was the silver lining, but we will have to withstand Trump for the next couple years. Obama help us.
- Everybody freaked out about North Korea.There should be a rule that, if you’re a global superpower, you are not allowed to piss off a country run by a tyrannical trigger-happy dictator who has a ton of nuclear bombs. Throughout the year, Kim Jong-Un threated nuclear war on the West, taunted by Trump, and a lot of people were understandably freaking out. I, on the other, was quite hopeful. If I had to go out in whatever way, the ideal way would be upon impact with a giant missile[3]. There go my dreams for dying instantly in a nuclear war.
- People stared directly at the sun. On August 21, most of the US and part of Canada were witness to the Great American Solar Eclipse. And like most nice things we get, we ruined it. Weeks before the eclipse, NASA and other organizations dedicated to reducing the general stupidity of the masses warned everyone to not stare directly at the eclipse, but to put on a pair of special glasses instead. It turns out they were screaming in to the void, as a ton of people (including POTUS[4]) looked up with their naked eyes. It appears as if we were so desperate to not witness the colossal anarchy that was 2017 that many went as far as to risk permanent eye damage.
- Rick and Morty diehards went crazy for McDonalds Szechuan sauce. Season 3 of cult-classic animated television show Rick and Morty begins with Rick, the opposite of a good example, on the search for McDonald’s long discontinued Szechuan sauce. If the fans of Rick and Morty did not mainly consist of middle-aged entitled white males[5] who are willing to go as far as to assault McDonald’s employees, things maybe wouldn’t have gotten out of hand. But it did, because that’s exactly who diehard fans of the show are. When McDonalds responded to the call to release Szechuan sauce once again, they did so for a limited time, sparking outrage in over-30-year-old-men who still live with their parents. Riots ensued. People paid more than $4000 for a tiny packet. I lost faith in humanity. Remember this the next time you think teenage girls at a Justin Bieber concert are crazy.
- “Cash me ousside, how bow dah?” Dr. Phil has literally never been a source of normalcy, but it reached peak insane when 13-year-old Danielle Bregoli appeared on the show and challenged the entire audience to a fight. As the internet is incapable of letting anything go, they ceased upon the clip and promptly made it a meme. Bregoli, in true American fashion, capitalized on her newfound fame and is now a rising rap star, because angsty preteens are cool now. I tremble to think of today’s preteens and how they reacted to the blatant disrespect of one angry Floridian with a fake Brooklyn accent. I would not be surprised if they were hijacking cars and throwing eggs at windows right now. It’s a good thing I make a point to interact with them as little as possible[6].
- It. One of the biggest movies of the year is a remake. A It’s as if Stephen King doesn’t have a massive repertoire of 54 novels, many of which still begging to be turned in an awesome movie. I wouldn’t have even be mad if they remade The Shining, but they chose the movie with the clowns, because we obviously didn’t have enough of them in 2016[7]. CLOWNS. I can never wear a yellow raincoat, make a paper boat, talk about placebo pills, or say “float” ever again. Somebody will make an “It” joke and I will be contractually obligated to punch them, which is technically a crime, so I will refrain from doing the above. I’m definitely going to complain about it though.
- Nazis made a comeback. Nazis were the one thing you could make a joke about and nobody would get offended. You couldn’t make jokes about Republicans or KKK members because they all have guns and you do not want to offend those guys, and that was fine! You could just joke about killing Nazis and everybody would laugh in agreement because “Yes, Nazis suck and everybody agrees”. This is no longer the case, because they have made a large and prominent comeback, and don’t like it when you call them Nazis. Sorry bud, if you’re carrying a swastika and chanting about racism you’re definitely a Nazi[8]
- The Snapchat Hot Dog. I know very little about Snapchat. However my friends do, and it appears that 95% of the internet does as well because many videos were accompanied by this dancing, humanoid hot dog. It strikes immeasurable fear in to my heart, and I cannot pinpoint why. Perhaps it is the blank eyes filled with homicidal intent, or threatening sway of its hips. Either way, I never want to see it in real life[9].
- Taylor Swift released Reputation and suddenly it’s 2004 again and teens wear too much eyeliner. I may have already written an article about this one, but it is worth mentioning again. While Taylor Swift went through an emo phase, her 12-years-old-at-heart fans once again threw themselves at her feet, begging her to step on their faces with chants of “yasss queen” and consistently getting mad at me for not liking her that much. Her new look has inspired many a preteen to adopt the eyeliner, matte black lipstick, and I-couldn’t-take-you-in-a-fight-but-I-want-you-to-think-I-can attitude. From what I remember, being emo was never that cool, but I guess when you’re a white pseudo-feminist[10] you can do anything.
- “Hollyweed”. 2017 started spectacularly. A hero, Zachary Cole Fernandez, strategically placed tarp on the famous “Hollywood” sign to make it read “Hollyweed.” However, the LAPD are physically incapable of having any fun, so they removed it, but the worst part, the crime against humanity, is that the internet forgot about it. I had faith in you, World Wide Web, and you failed me. “Hollyweed” should’ve been the pinnacle of this year’s memes, and you forgot about it. Shame[11].
[1] Only the racist ones. Oompa Loompas are typically okay (if you ignore the disregard for human life).
[2] A jellyfish’s mouth and anus are the same opening.
[3] Alternatively, I’d like to die by assassination.
[4] This should not be a surprise to anyone.
[5] No offense to middle-aged white males. I know many kind, sane, intelligent middle-aged white males. These specific ones just suck.
[6] Being a pre-teen is hard. It’s the most difficult, tumultuous part of growing up and entering the adult world, and I have tremendous amounts of pity for everybody who has to go through it. But geez guys, you ain’t cool and don’t try to convince yourselves that you are.
[7] The Great Clown Invasion of 2016 still gives me nightmares.
[8] And I don’t care what you say, Mr. President, they’re Nazis.
[9] This is literally the worst-case scenario for my life (a life-sized Snapchat hotdog). Please forget this by April Fool’s Day.
[10] We lay down truth bombs here at the Eddy.
[11] Where’s that GIF from Game of Thrones, with the streets and the bells and beat-up Lena Headey?
Disclaimer: We acknowledge that many legit awful things happened in 2017. This list is intended to shed some light on a year collectively hated by the masses, and bring a little bit of joy into your lives. In short: please don’t send our editors angry emails about how insensitive we are, because those emails will go directly to the writer of this article and they will probably respond angrily. It’s not worth it. Just laugh, bro.
