It is freaking cold, but the skies above Vancouver are uncharacteristically clear – no clouds, no precipitation to be seen. Seeing this rare sunlight, and being the freakishly pale specimen that I am, I head outside: throw on the boots, the half-dozen layers, and the hat that I’ve never had reason to wear. I step out my door for the first time in weeks, and as the sunlight grazes my face, I breathe in the fresh January air, feel the frost gathering on my eyelashes – and promptly fall on my ass. The sidewalk in front of my house is coated in ice, and I could probably whip out the ice skates and glide my way to the bus stop if I actually knew how to skate.

My area looks like Elsa had another identity crisis. There’s no semblance of fluffy snow, but the sidewalks are basically frozen ravines, impossible to walk on but you have no other choice. Apparently, the government actually ran out of salt to sprinkle all over the streets of Vancouver, and they’re “really sorry but we don’t really care about it too much anymore!” Luckily, our ever-so courageous Vancouver fire department offered to hand out free salt to anyone who needs it. Thank you VFD, our saviors in this difficult time.

But someone robbed the fire station.

How desperate, how angry, how much of a god-awful person do you need to be to rob the fire station? No one has ever heard of a “corrupt fireman.” What did the firefighters ever do to you? Didn’t come as fast as you’d like to rescue your childhood cat out of a tree? The Hottest Firemen of 2010 calendar was too expensive? This so-called “Icepocalypse” has turned Vancouverites against each other, forcing us to forsake our Canadian stereotypes in favour of trying any method necessary to make it through this uncharacteristically horrific winter. We are suffering through a spontaneous ice rink overtaking the Lower Mainland, and no one was prepared. Nobody seems to know how to handle the ice (Pro-tip: sand and kitty litter work great to provide traction on frozen pathways). But it’s still no excuse for the East Coasters to make fun of us about how we can’t handle snow. We can handle snow just fine. It’s when it melts and then freezes again that gets us. The government may have run out of salt, but the saltiness of my personality is more than enough to compensate.

Photo courtesy of CBC.