Over summer vacation, one forgets how painful school can really be. Sure, one dreads the early mornings and the late-night cramming and huge pile of work that sits on your desk screaming, “do me!”. But one never remembers the ache in one’s arms, the catch-22 when one realizes that the ache is no longer present (happiness because it’s not there, fear because it’s not there).
The typical student always forgets the existence of a textbook. Most classes don’t require the possession of a 15 pound, hardcover index of potentially outdated information and vulgar handwritten comments, but if one stays the whole four years of high school, it is unavoidable that a textbook will become one’s clingy girlfriend for at least one semester. It will always be there, in one’s arms whether one likes it or not, persistent in it’s existence because some duty is necessary and disaster would surely follow if it is forgotten. One must assure that the textbook is with them at all times on days when it is necessary, but it can be boring and tedious to simply carry it around.
Never fear! Behold, a list of alternate uses for your textbook when it is not open to a page filled with questions and crude drawings.
1. A step stool.
Most textbooks are the perfect size to add a solid foot to one’s height, making it the short man’s best friend. Be sure to bring your textbook to the grocery store so you don’t have to awkwardly ask the bored employee to grab a ladder and get your sack of flour or favourite brand of peanut butter. (Alternatively, those who have a certain amount of difficulty of reaching the pedal’s in one’s car will benefit from seating the textbook on the driver’s seat, below one’s bosom to add a certain extra degree of dignity to show off to other drivers.)
2. A dumbbell.
Textbooks are heavy, especially for those with an average (or below) caliber of fitness. You’re bound to tone your biceps a tad simply by carrying it to class every day, however, you can reap the physical benefits of an assigned textbook extensively by doing multiple reps of weightlifting in your spare time.
3. Bug/arachnid/small rodent killer.
This may seem a little harsh, but a textbook is an excellent tool to exterminate any unwanted pests. Unfortunately, murder is looked down upon in all ten provinces, but you can still use it to get out some unwanted rage and get rid of that giant spider in your kitchen.
4. Self-defence weapon.
Have you ever been hit in the head with a textbook? Obviously not, because you’re not incapacitated with brain damage. No one will mess with you if you’re carrying around a giant book.
5. Brick.
It practically already is a brick: rectangular prism, made of thick material and can withstand extreme amounts of pressure and/or violence. If you ever need something to throw at a window or build a house with, your textbook will assuredly suffice.
6. Fire kindle.
You’ll have to pay the fee for the textbook because you’ve burned it, but if you ever find yourself in a clinch and you need to make a fire to keep warm and not die, your teacher will probably understand. On the other hand, if you ever decide that you just really hate your homework and are willing to pay the 60-something dollars, burning your textbook is an excellent stress-reliever.
7. An actual study tool.
Most things on the test are found in the textbook, along with all the answers for your assignments and study tips. Sure, some of the information is outdated but at least your teacher isn’t expecting you to do your own fact-checking. With online resources comes the requirement of MLA-formatted sources, and that’s a whole brand of torture of its own.
So march in to the throes of high school, your head held high, your arms curled around the behemoth of a book, confident in the face of adversity and crowded hallways. Walk up the stairs at a glacial pace, not because you have to, but because you can. You have a textbook, and you are unstoppable.
